I had a nightmare today when I took a small nap.
I’ma put it under a readmore because death happens and stuff.
This eventually turns into me showing a million pictures of my dog and crying about how much I love him ok.
I seem to keep having this feeling of incredible isolation, especially as of late. And the pull to move to the area of California and Washington just keeps getting stronger.
Just woke up from quite the nightmare.
So basically, I was in some sort of underground cavern. I was determined to find out where this particular haunting melody was coming from. So I decided to venture deep into the cavern by myself.
As I continued down a dark path, I noticed the ceiling was slowly lowering and becoming a smaller, enclosed space. I started to panic so I turned around, when suddenly I slipped and fell into the side of the wall to my left, and down a steep slide.
I ended up at the entrance of what looked like an abandoned, underground amusement park. It was more like a hellish, rusted park and seemed abandoned, but of course I walked in.
I touched the closed, rusted gates and they opened for me. I stepped in, and the park came alive. Suddenly there were lights and people getting into rides and roller coasters that dove into the rocky walls and through the park into other coasters.
But for some reason, I still couldn’t hear a sound.
So I walked inside for a bit. I seemed to have been invisible to people there. No one noticed me at all. But I kept having this feeling like I was being watched. I kept feeling like, even though no one took notice of me, they were laughing at me. They were attacking my spirit, while physically pretending I wasn’t even there. Like I didn’t even exist to them. It was a very depressing kind of feeling.
Then, out of nowhere, I hear this pained howl come from the other side of the park. Since there was no noise and everything was quiet, sans the soft, dark melody and the howl, I turned and ran toward the direction of the howl. I turn a corner from some sort of rotten food stand, and I see a white wolf standing on what looks like several corpses of other animals. I noticed the skulls of some kind of other canine, something large (maybe another big cat?), a rodent-like skeleton, and small bird remains. So I stare at the wolf for a while, communicating with our eyes alone.
She seemed to have just come out of a great battle of some kind, since she was dirty and covered in cuts, gashes, and generally looked tired. However she was standing on these remains, in the middle of this hellish park, with pride in herself for accomplishing what she set out to do. She fought and she won. And now it’s time to head home.
I noticed that the melody had stopped and the wolf sort of cocked her head at me, as if asking for me to follow her, and so I do. The park is empty again, but the remains are still there. Everything is turned off. And the wolf and myself head towards the entrance.
The scene changes and I’m back at the entrance of the cave again, and this time the wolf is with me. I could feel her spirit; her presence was very strong. And I know who she is, because this isn’t the first time she’s come to me after I have fought my own battles in the physical world.
Last thing we did was walk out of the cave and continue on our journey.
I’ve meditated on this dream, already. And it makes sense, really. I have been having a hard time lately, dealing with a lot of things and keeping quiet about it with not many to talk to. I’m a very private person and don’t share much with many. And especially lately, I’ve been given a hard time by people I once considered friends. I’ve had a lot of deal with, and they add onto the stress I feel with ignorant comments and negative attitudes about myself as a person, my beliefs, and my culture which I do not hide anymore. After today, especially, I feel very tired but not defeated. I’ve come a long way. And while I feel exhausted, I also feel like I’ve won my battles up until this point. I mean, I’m still here aren’t I?
And even if friends come and go, and I get mistreated by people I was lead to believe I could trust, I simply drop it, drop them, and move on.
Remember folks, that the people in your life should be supportive of you. They should not make you feel so negatively about yourself and any tough situation you might be going through. Because if they are, and if they can’t support who you are as a person (complete with your own beliefs and culture you practice), and all they do is make a mockery of what you are under the pretense of “respecting you by being you”…you don’t need that. You don’t need that kind of poison in your life. You deserve people who can respect you, encourage you, support you, and care for you. Not the kind that trash talks, and makes you feel ashamed of yourself.
I, much like my wolf, am tired and hurt. But I stand at the top, with pride in myself as a person, knowing that I have done my best and even beyond that, and I will continue to live. To learn and to teach is the goal, here, really. And to keep fighting, even if you’re tired.
But for now, I really should go back to sleep.
Thank you for listening.
“Il rombo dei suoi zoccoli confonde i sogni con la disperazione.”
“The thunder of its hooves beats dreams into despair.”
Due to the graphic and triggering nature of this dream, I’ll leave it under a cut.
So recently I’ve been taking a lot of time for myself to meditate. Really contemplating my life, kind of stuff. Thinking about all the hardship my family and myself are going through.
I guess the psychic I work with noticed and said to me that she felt I’ve become “stronger” since she says she can feel my energy.
So anyways, I’ve been writing down my dreams a lot lately and it’s really been helping me get back on track with them again.
I’ve been slowly working through this terrible funk I’ve been in because of all the hot mess going on around me. But I’ve put my trust in God, in Nature, in the spirits, and my Guardians. That’s the hardest part of me, really. I can be very prideful and hate people doing things for me. I feel like I have to solve and do everything myself. But this is something I have to trust my God and my faith and spirituality to help guide me.
But all that aside, I keep dreaming of the strange Dolphin man with the pink forehead. I’m not really sure what he wants from me. But he seems really…pushy? Urgent, perhaps? Like he’s been waiting to give me something, I think. But he seems tired of waiting. I know he’s in California. L.A. specifically. I just feel a super strong pull there. And it’s funny because everytime I dream of California, I always look up into the sky. And instead of clouds, the Moon, and the Sun, all I see if Space and enlarged forms of the Planets. It’s a non-threatening feeling so I don’t think it’s anything terrible.
Anyways, the pull is really strong and he seems to be getting impatient. But I need to finish school here first. We’ll see.
In the meantime, I wonder what he’s going to give me? I wonder how I’ll meet him? Will I just know it’s him? Will he get tired of waiting? Does he even know he has to “give” me something?
Ahh what a mess. And I can almost feel my spirits buzzing with the pull I’m feeling.
We’ll see where life’s pull takes me.
I’ve been seeing Elephants in my path a lot lately.
And I finally sat and thought of the messages they’ve been sending me.
And then I checked and saw what they meant to the Natives, and just wow.
Even my Tarot agrees with it.
“Do not let anything stand in your way of attaining the goals that is so integral to your purpose.
You have the determination, persistence, and courage to pursue and overcome your current challenges. Believe in yourself.
Trust your senses better.
Remain loyal to those closest to you in spite of anyone questioning their integrity.
Renew your sense of connection to the divine.
Call Upon The Elephant When: You’re feeling alone, there are mental/emotional/physical blocks standing in your way, you’re feeling tired, you want to feel more confident, you need to feel like a strong leader because you have been given the responsibility of one.”
This is from one of the Spirit Guide books I own. It fell, and opened to the Elephant page. Almost as if it knew.
And it ALL adds up to things I need. Things I’m feeling. And things I need to do.
I’ve been asking my guide on advice towards a specific situation I’ve been in.
And when I asked for whether or not to continue what I was doing, I got the reversed Tower. So I knew what I was doing was just affecting me terribly, even if I didn’t want to admit at first.
So the Elephant and The Tower. I mean, wow.
I’ve taken the step to get rid of all the negativity in my life, even if it hurts at first.
A lot of people, for a long time, I’ve tried helping and they’ve come to me. But a lot of the same people never gave me any respect. Never appreciated the help, or gave me a condescending tone when they’d ask for advice and I’d give it to them.
People change and you have to move on from them. If they want to be immature about it, fine. But I can’t have such negativity in my life anymore, especially if I’m only holding on to it for foolish reasons. I can’t help anyone if I can’t help myself.
And so, after the horrid year that was the last, I’m taking action. Getting control of my life and my mind again.
And now that I’m slowly pushing past this mental block, it’s like I can see again after so many years of being in the dark.
People say that I’m stupid or ignorant or wrong or demonic for believing in my guides and spirits and God and tarot and all of that.
And me, being the people pleaser that I am, I listened because I didn’t want to offend anyone.
But that’s sort of when it hit me. I’m changing everything, even the way I think, simply to please those who can’t be pleased around me. And that realization hit me like a ton of bricks.
And after that, it was like opening my eyes for the first time. Taking a deep breath when I’ve been drowning for so long.
And it’s such a wonderful feeling.
I can wear my rings and totems in public, and have courage in myself, my beliefs, and my guide. I have faith again in the things I know and the things I don’t understand. I can feel the energy that I forced myself not to feel for years. I can hear the spirits when I blocked them out for so long.
But the best part is that I’m dreaming again.
I blocked myself out for so long, that even my dream messages stopped coming. And that was the final straw.
You can’t please everyone, and you don’t have to. Everyone should do things that they like and believe in things (or not) that they do (or don’t) and they shouldn’t have to worry about clashing opinions.
Because the world will never agree.
But we’re not here to give ass-pats to everyone.
You’re not hurting anyone if you want to do something different from the norm.
You’re not hurting anyone if you want to believe in things that are different from the norm.
And let’s say you DO do things that are considered “the norm”. Well that’s okay too.
Don’t force yourself to be different. Don’t force yourself to be normal.
Don’t force yourself, period.
Because if you’re a genuine person and you’re intentions are not to hurt the people around you, what does it matter what you believe in, who you love, what your hobbies are, if you’re different, or if you’re “normal”, or if you’re in-between, or nothing, or all of it? It shouldn’t. It doesn’t.
It’s something I’ve always believed in, but never applied to myself. And I have to practice what I preach, right?
I feel like singing, because I feel free again.
I’m drawing, and creating, and loving again and it feels wonderful.
So this week has been quite a tornado.
This lady, who I have only known for a few months, confessed to being a long-working psychic to me. She said she had a message from my Great Grandmother (who recently passed away, in case you didn’t read that). She didn’t even know about that, so I knew she was no joke.
So she set me and my mother aside and explained that my Mama Tilda (what I called her) said that she was in a good place. She was keeping busy (as she always was. She was not the lazy type). She then expressed her concern to me, saying she’s watching me and how badly my anxiety has caused me grief more so than usual. She said I need to work on deciphering my dreams better (which is great since I has this here tumblr too).
Mama Tilda told me that the biggest obstacle I need to fight is myself. I am standing in the way of my art, my work, and everything I’ve built myself up for.
The psychic says I can work with what I have and probably do some of the stuff she does as well. I can decipher my dreams better so I can get the messages myself. She says to attempt Tarot cards, and so I will, as well.
Now, I am simply summarizing what the lady said, since there was so much in such little time, but she knew her stuff. And she, herself, suffers from Anxiety Disorder so she gave me some wonderful advice to help me.
She also said, get this, she dreamt of my spirit animal.
Now, since I was young, thanks to all the help of the nearby tribes of Natives I was always around and learned from, I’ve always learned to channel dreams and learned to decipher them. And though it took me until my teens to understand who she was, I’ve always had my beautiful guardian by my side.
She’s a beautiful white wolf, and though a bit stunted in growth, she feels powerful. Great strength and courage. She always comes to me when I need her.
The psychic says that she usually dreams in sounds and numbers, but she dreamt, for the first time, of animals. She dreamt of my beautiful guardian and two others, a fellow sister wolf (black and large), and a polar bear. And I know exactly who these two are.
She said that while it was quick, she said that with these sisters by my side, good things will come to me.
She then pulled out her tarot cards on me.
Now, I have only done tarot once before (twice in a row) and have gotten the same exact cards in the same exact order.
And when she did it, I literally had to sit down from how crazy it was, she pulled out the same cards.
The Five of Wands, the King of Pentacles, and The World. In that order.
I mean…that’s insane. It’s just so totally insane and beautiful.
So, of course, I took her advice to heart.
I will learn to channel my dreams better and learn to work with my anxiety better.
I have many plans with my life. I have so much to do.
And the only thing standing in the way is my anxiety. Myself.
I need to work harder. Anxiety won’t go away. But I can learn to work with it. I won’t cripple myself and feel sorry for myself. I want to share my art with people. But in order to do that, I have to get past my biggest obstacle, which is myself.
Thank you, Mama Tilda. I know what you meant by her message.
I dream of you every night. And I know you are watching me.
And I will make you proud of me.
I really hate dreams where I’m stuck in a hallway.
I’ve been having them these past two nights. Where I’m running down a purple hallway, with no beginning or end. And I feel scared but excited and claustrophobic all at once.
I honestly don’t even know what it means. I’ve been too distracted to really sit and think it through what it could stand for in my life right now.
I had one last week with Mama Tilda. She was in a room all the way at the end of the hallway and I couldn’t get to her. It really hit me now just how crazy it hit home to how I was feeling when we got the call that she had passed away.
But then she visited me last night.
I was in that hallways again and I knew what to do.
But this time, I was able to reach to the end of the hallway. And it was a plain white room with an open ceiling and a single dove sitting in the middle. It took off after a moment, but I knew it was her.
*Sigh* It’s just hard letting go sometimes.
This past Tuesday, at 6 in the morning, my Great-grandmother passed away.
She was one of, if not the, biggest inspiration in my life.
She has always been the one to teach me everything that I know today.
Art, she taught me the beauty in motion. Which is why animation is so appealing to me. She taught me the beauty in storytelling through art. She was a painter and loved expressing herself through her work.
Music, she could play everything under the sun. Piano, violin, cello, guitar, and just so many other strange instruments I’ve never even heard of. She tried to teach me as much, but I was too young and slow that I got frustrated easily. I learned piano (and am re-learning it now) because of her. She could play beautiful classical music.
Her love of animals, she’s always had strange pets. But she hated the word pet. She called them friends. Because that’s what they are, y’know? She had a grumpy, old Spider Monkey that my dad use to bother a lot. She had a peacock that she loved stroking the feathers of. Loved dogs and cats and all kinds of farm animals. She loves horses too.
Spiritual-wise, she was always very religious. Always a very healthy eater too. She would read me Biblical stories and then point out all the animals that would symbolize this and that and what they meant if I were to ever cross them. She taught me Native American traditions and crafting. She was always caring about every spirit around her.
She had such a hard life. Always the hardest worker and valued everything and everyone around her. She taught me so much.
I was always so close to her. She was a beautiful human being.
I want to say more, but it’s hard. My grandmother and mom were really struck hard by this.
But she taught me everything I hold dear to me. It’s just hard to think she’s not here anymore.
She died around the age of 107.
Everyone keeps arguing whether she was 107 or 115. After some math, I’d say she was 107. Poor thing lost count herself.
She lived a long life. And she was a saint. Even after going through hell and back, she did not become bitter and angry. She was a rare and beautiful soul.
Well, I’ve cried enough. I just really wanted to write something nice for her, so I can go back and see it again when I want to. Maybe I can post a picture of her later.
I really want to draw something for her. I need to express everything in my art for her. But I just can’t seem to get anything right when I’m this sad. But soon. I will make it soon.
Well, I can’t keep typing anymore. It’s just hit me so hard. And I’m always been terrible with my words. This isn’t enough.
But I’ve dreamt of her already. She’s visited me one last time. And I’m so glad she did. I promise to become what I know I can be, and what she knows I can be. I need to work harder. Do what I know I can do. If not for me, than for her.
Rest in Peace, Mama Tilda.